a black girl

Eating, Sitting, Loving, Living While Fat

Tuesday, August 01, 2006

The real meaning behind "I cover the ground I walk on."

Yes, there is still a new layout to come. No I have not forgotten. But this Black Girl has been chewing on some things recently. (No pun intended, and you shall see why.) What I am thinking about is fatness. And while a number of scholars and thinkers have been able to scholarize the subject, and as much as I will take there cues here in this blog, there is something so personal, so raw and open about the subject for me, that I cannot fully articulate all of what I see, all of what I have felt here. But I will try.

The most trepedatious thing about fatness is actually coming out as a fat person. That seems strange because it is visible, but because it is something to be ashamed of there is a coming out process that most of us I would argue have not quite undertook. I had a closeted fat moment this evening. And I am sure, many times before that. You know—the moments where you are too afraid to pointout a moment of fat-based lookism because it would draw attention to your own relatonship to fatness? Yes, that’s what I call a closeted fat moment.

And you don’t want to think of your thinner friends as "the man" or insensitive to their fat friend. But after a while it becomes painfully clear that you're fatness is something that your thin friends have tried to avoid in conversation because they think of it as ill as the rest of society, and even you do. (Totally replace "you" and "your" as me, I am aware that these are my observations alone.)

But coming out as a fat person would have to involve claiming the space as a fat person. It is so odd, the way in which fat people try our best to take up as little space as possible in order to make comfortable the lives and eyes of the thinner. When I think of the many airplane rides where I have made myself wholly uncomfortable by balling myself up into nothing I cringe. Or think of the moments at the mall where I willfully decide not to even enter the "skinny heffa" (read all mainstream stores and boutiques) store so as not to take up room I am not meant to occupy because of my fatness. (Even my use of the phrase "skinny heffa" surely inspired by comedienne Mo'nique is also a part of the mistrust and hurt from the privileges thinner women enjoy by living the physical ideal, and being acknowledged as real and human by the rest of society.)

It's a complete way of shifting the mind--what if... instead, we thought of mainstream stores and boutiques as a place where we are mindfully excluded, instead of ourselves as unacceptable and unworthy of being in them? These establishments are fully aware that larger women exist (I exclude men here because men's clothing has been far more inclusive of the fat.) yet they choose not to desire our outward patronage because of our fatness (the gap carries larger sizes online but not in the stores so our fat asses wont take up space there). We would not accept this treatment on the basis of race because we are aware that racism exists, we critique racism and the pain that it has caused people who have been abused by it. But lookism on the basis of fatness... no such luck.

And it is the closetedness which is the most painful aspect. The feeling of intrusion that interjecting the subject of fatness would take. Instead, we often obfuscate it by talking about general ideas of "beauty" (whiteness for example) without looking to the particulars of sizeism as an issue. And we accept and aplomb the abuses we endure. The numerous news reports which film fat bodies anonymously as exotic, and pitiful specimens of human indulgence and repulsion. How often have I looked closely to see whether or not it is my abdomen or rear end filmed without my consent? Yes we watch... looking for the most recent health study that does not even contend that our fatness actually kills us. We endure the commercials that insult our beautiful divine bodies for the "sake" of our waistlines. We ignore the most intimate part of ourselves in order to heal what is torn apart daily.

Our bodies can no longer be sensual. And I mean that in every sense of the word. Our fat blocks nerve endings in the public eye--and therefore we should no longer feel the pain of insults towards our bodies. We shouldn't feel the pleasure of making love--we shouldn't because our bodies are not worthy of love. Most of all we shall never enjoy food.

Not in public. And eyes (whether real or not) will watch over our fat asses chewing. Marking the calories, fat grams, sodium (water retention) in each bite with panoptic scrutiny.

Or maybe it is just me. And this is the most real aspect of fatness--Isolation. Fat people talk the worst about other fat people. Judge our own bodies against those of fatter people. "At least I am not that big." A constant if not unconscious, extremely present refrain. We as individuals are not fat. Others are fat, I am just [insert fat euphemism here].

But sometimes in the quiet, when it becomes too much one will find comfort in a fellow fat person. I will share with them how little I ate today, how far I ran, just enough stuff to prove my humanity another. My worthiness of thinner company in the human race.

I will always secretly find pride in my anorectic and bulimic days. The days I ate nothing more than a cucumber, I will sigh and reminisce about my former size during those days (which was even then not thin enough)... I will relive them for moments in my more weak days where I actually nourish myself.

The politics of it are so very personal. And they live in the quiet of our everyday lives so that lookism on the basis of size and sizeism itself goes unchecked. This changes nothing. This only reifies our invisibility, our desire to be invisible, unwatched-- free to eat, sit, live and love while fat without a question of our humanity. It's gotta change. The first step is to come out--all fucked up and bruised--we are bound to be.

Come out with me. Step a round toe out of the closet door and find a world that fits just right.

Another blog on fatness: Revisiting Aunt Jemima's Big Black Ass.

uttered by a black girl at 11:56 PM. | 2 comments

2 Comments:

Our bodies can no longer be sensual. And I mean that in every sense of the word. Our fat blocks nerve endings in the public eye--and therefore we should no longer feel the pain of insults towards our bodies. We shouldn't feel the pleasure of making love--we shouldn't because our bodies are not worthy of love. Most of all we shall never enjoy food.

Not in public. And eyes (whether real or not) will watch over our fat asses chewing. Marking the calories, fat grams, sodium (water retention) in each bite with panoptic scrutiny.

Or maybe it is just me. And this is the most real aspect of fatness--Isolation. Fat people talk the worst about other fat people. Judge our own bodies against those of fatter people. "At least I am not that big." A constant if not unconscious, extremely present refrain. We as individuals are not fat. Others are fat, I am just [insert fat euphemism here].

As a fatty I couldn't have said it better myself. I have realized that I have forced myself to leave behind my "girly" side on a road that I traveled during my teen years...thinking that i'm too fat to be seen as pretty...I'm too fat to be a girl. So I started trying to hide myself in big clothes...XXL shirts, Big Sweats, Long T-Shirts, no dresses, no skirts, no shorts. When I did venture into my "no zone' someone reminded me that I was too fat to wear that.

I have found myself saying in my head "Atleast I'm not that Big" while I'm in Torrid trying to remind myself that I am a sensual woman who deserves a skirt and an oranged colored bra.

I cry when I watch Monique's F.A.T. Chance out of anger, sadness, sympathy, and inner pain. Apart of me wants to be on F.A.T. chance and apart of me wishes that I didnt see myself in those women.

Hello my name is Omni and I'm a fatty.

By Omni Loving, at 10:03 AM

Bettina,

This blog is really beautiful. I'm fucking serious. It's so raw and crafted. I could relate to a lot of what you mentioned, including the examples you provided, even as a whitey. I think the part about coming out as fat was the most profound to me. I hadn't thought about it like that, but now I can totally see what you're saying. Part of me is more open to talking about fatness now. I was really thin and built all my life b/c of sports up until college, when I decided that I wanted to become super smart as opposed to super jock. As a result, I put on about 80 pounds from my B.A. to M.A. years. As a feminist, I wish I could've said that the way I looked at my body was positive then, but the truth is that I didn't feel like I was worth anything anymore then--it wasn't a concern about my health, either. Of course, my partner and other feminist friends always told me otherwise. It didn't help, though. I've lost a lot of weight since last summer--like a fucking lot. I found out that my stomach probs were related to being allergic to dairy, which was exacerbated due to vegetarianism. In addition, I got really freaked out about six months ago when my mom was diagnosed with diabetes, which runs in my family, and cut down on the (vegan) sweets. Also, due to adjustment probs here, combined with me overusing my brain here, I started playing b-ball with Ana and hiking with Dan for some mental breaks. As a result, I realized that I wanted to be more athletic again. I forgot how much enjoyment from sports I got back in the day and, on a smaller level, wanted to devote some small time to it again now. Anyway, I'm rabbling, but I lost weight only for my health this time. I have probs reconciling other people being so superficial about it, though, because no one says you look healthy, but rather you look good or pretty or hot, etc. It has created all kinds of issues for me, to the point that I've lost friends because of their "compliments," which I can't handle, probably because I'm so sensitive about it. I also think that my sensitivity is classed. Everybody in my fams is overweight. You know the jokes about white trash weight. We're either swallowing ding-dongs or lifting weights. There's no in between, and it's usually the former that people talk about. It drives me nuts. What are your thoughts about race-ing fatness? Anyway, I just wanted to drop you a line about this one because I'm wondering if my sensitivity to people's "compliments" is because I never really came out as fat. I'm still mulling this one over. I thank you for your brilliant insights here. We'll have to talk more about it.

Amy

By Anonymous, at 1:14 PM