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Halfway Undone
 Two-thousand six thus far has been a year of extreme growth. I have learned so much about myself, and most of all how to nurture and protect that self. I have been on a crusade for being in my personal truth for quite some time. I am a pisces, it is easily to live in my own lies. I've been working on transparency because I think life (especially mine) is complicated enough, and living is confusing and often opaque--why complicate the matter with more matter? I am learning how to peel away from my identity, the world which does not which to honor it. I have also learned that it is okay to put away people who do the same. I am not obligated to anyone or anything but myself and my happiness. I am feeling so much more comfortable with that truth. Kenny Garrett's "She Waits for the New Sun" holds so much meaning for me. It is an instrumental, but the title and the feel are real to my experience of wating for new days and new opportunities. Out of these will emerge a new me. So drastically different I do not remember my former self. This time two or three years ago I was sitting in Ls house for her birthday party. I was wearing all white, drawing away my emotions and thoughts. What came together out of safe conversation and crayola colored pencils was a drawing, that I later bequeathed upon L. of me devouring a lion devouring me. "Embrace your lion" became my mantra that evening. Embracing all of the things that I hated about myself, and finding reasons to love them... these things I developed for survival. It became so incredibly symbolic as a learned more recently that I do have an inner lion. Yes this two fished woman has a lion in her moon. Lurking, bold, and self serving. (these are things I think of when i think of lions) I had to accept the reason why I needed to serve myself (because I had gone about the business of serving other people, using my own back as a platter). I have also found the DC/Baltimore area to be more nurturing than I would have ever known. I have fallen in with some really fabulous people who are so very very human in their experiences. Its a spectrum of things. Look at me writing as if the year is over. No, it is not, but I feel as if this middle month marks the moment where these lessons can be tested and applied. No longer will I try to control things/people/circumstances that I cannot, or that do more harm than good to my body/mind/spirit. No longer will I hold onto people who threaten to harm me. Do the above with love, compassion, and openness. These people are simply not who I need them to be, they are perfect for who they are. Slow down. Moments of deep thought and consideration bring about genius. Care for myself and my surroundings. Hate to use Harraway here, but there is a way in which we are made up of the things we own, or come into contact with. Care for those things as much as the so-called "born" body. Never apologize for caring for myself. The "Do Not Answer" feature should be installed in cellular phones. I do know my body. Don't let anyone tell me different. Manifest this prayer in my every movement: bless me with things i do not deserve with friendship that lasts and love that does not conquer impart on me the gift of wisdom without the burden of knowing teach me how hold my heart gently so that i may love myself wholly teach me how to pray how to ask without apology give me the desire to desire nothing-- i have everything give me sweetness like the boldest of nectars keep my feet tender so that i may feel everything and be rooted in softness and stillness may that softness be strength and the stillness, movement never tired and ever-changing ashe ashe ashe so it is so it was so it will forever be image (c) corbis uttered by a black girl at 11:30 PM.
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3 comments
greetings, bettina....
Congrats...i know that it was a hard road to get to but you are there...love it
By
Dearest Bettina,
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 Greetings from Bettina and Nia! contact
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